I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
