I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
