Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
me + whiskey = a bad person
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
