the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Randomize
