I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
