T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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