I CAN MOONWALK!
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
you had me at cake vodka
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
