batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize