be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
