I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Randomize
