A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
