btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
