ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
