We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
