I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
