I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
don't judge my taste in strippers
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
