I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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