he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
