I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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