Plan B is the new Plan A
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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