I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
COCAINE IS GR8
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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