His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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