It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
