I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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