i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Randomize
