So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
