I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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