I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
