I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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