I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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