Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
