i need an iv and a liver transplant
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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