fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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