there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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