i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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