I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
