Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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