I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
