I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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