4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
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