I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
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