I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
