You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
