youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
