my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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