just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
