I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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