Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Randomize