I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I currently don't understand fingers.
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