I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
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