Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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