If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Randomize