the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
