Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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