she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I got inside last night via doggy door
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
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