if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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