1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Randomize
