you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
